Q&A Mad Libs: John Bakum on Carl Newman
Another installment of Q&A Mad Libs, a weekly/monthly/wheneverIfeellikeit feature on HisNerdJig. The gist: I give my friends questions from old Q&As with musicians, and they fill in the blanks. Any which way they chose. You can read more about that here.
John Bakum has Colson Whitehead’s phone number, but he doesn’t use it. He just stares at it, and keeps it safe in case of an emergency.
John Bakum doesn’t need advice from Steve Almond on how to write a sex scene. John Bakum kind of hates Steve Almond.
John Bakum has a short story published in Touchstone. He also won an honorable mention in the Atlantic Monthly Student contest in 2007. But lately, he writes about wheat for Cornell.
John Bakum has a dry, withdrawn humor that will cure anything. Even the gout.
John Bakum loves hook-drenched songs, like the New Pornographers. We both have a crush on Neko Case.
Pitchfork: How are you doing?
JB: I’m fine, thank you.
Pitchfork: You’re recording with the New Pornographers now?
JB: If by “recording” you mean “listening to when they pop up on my mp3 player” then yes.
Pitchfork: Do you have a name for the record?
JB: Ok, I know we haven’t been in touch as much since I moved from DC, but we still talk sometimes. And I’ve never mentioned a record or the new pornographers. I’m not even a musician. So all those times we talked about music in the past 3.5 years, you think I just sat there and said to myself, “I could mention that I’m a musician but I’m going to withhold that information and simply relate an anecdote about, I don’t know, writing.” Do really think I’m that much of a jerk? Or do you really not know me at all?
Pitchfork: You’re pretty confident about that?
JB: I don’t know what to think. Neither possibility is all that attractive. Either you think I have some sort of hidden life or you are a really, really poor listener.
Pitchfork: Do you think that your style of hard-driving pop would be hard to take for 70, 80 minutes, like the length of a rap album or a double album?
JB: Well, that answers that doesn’t it? I’m just going to start repeating a word over and over again, what’s the difference, it’s not like you are paying attention. Bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat bleat
Pitchfork: Do you get tired of that descriptive repetition?
JB: So that got your attention? What other annoying thing can I do to get your attention? We should listen to some music that is antithetical to your hipster leanings. Let’s see what I have on my mp3 player. How about we listen to New Jersey by Bon Jovi?
Pitchfork: Did you listen to that album a lot in 1988?
JB: Oh yes. In my defense, I was 15 years old and I lived in New Jersey. That album really spoke to me. I remember singing along with Lay Your Hands on Me all the time.
Pitchfork: With all these other folks singing, how many opportunities do you have to get your voice in?
JB: Jen, I was signing along with the record, there was no one else in the room with me so I had no trouble getting my voice in.
Pitchfork: Depends on who you’re talking about. Kiss did.
JB: Are you on the phone with someone? Kiss? What are you talking about? You’re not even pretending to pay attention!
Pitchfork: Does it seem odd to be connected with a sketchy university?
JB: Ok, now I’m mad. It’s one thing to ignore me but to call Cornell University sketchy? That is beyond the pale. What would Andy Bernard say? You think 13 Nobel Prize winning alums is sketchy? Or 28 Nobel laureates on faculty through the years, I bet that’s sketchy too? I’m Ivy League, bitches. This interview is over. I’m out.
